My visit to the Quack
Well, I was at the doctor's on Tuesday. I really havent been myself for a while now. The last six months or so in particular. My wife insisted that I go and I rather reluctantly agreed to go. I am not very good at looking after myself, I never really have been and hate going to the doctor.
The diagnosis was a bit of a scarey one. I have depression. And Looking back on it, I think I have done for a good while now. Perhaps over a year. And I had no idea that I had slipped as far as I had, beleiving that I was coping just fine and I was bearing up just wonderfully. Well, if the truth be told I wasnt. In fact I was probably very near to a complete crash. I simply couldnt see what was going on with my state of mind. Though my wife could.
I am now just awaiting an appointment to see a therapist about Congitive Behavioural Therapy. I am trying to keep things afloat, and I hope this will help. I just want to be back to my old self.
I got diagnosed about a year ago now, I too couldn't see it, but a few close friends could and talked me into going to the docs.My doctor has gone the pill route which is working out thankfully, as i feel for the most part back to myself, still a struggle some days, but I'm getting there.All I can say is to find people you feel comfortable opening up to, and to use them for the support you'll need. It's helped me no end.Truly wish you a speedy recovery.
I have never suffered myself from depression and god willing I never will, but I have had firsthand experience of 2 members of family having been diagnosed with it (is it an “it” anymore?) but I do know the corrosive effect it can have on a individual and those around.....its even worse than face book for fuck sake!
Joking apart take it easy, get help, I have seen this disease do bad bad bad things (and some good things I have to say). It’s a bumpy road home but it’s well worth it 
I am getting help. Just waiting for my therapy appointment to come through. IN the meantime its not been easy for me and probably harder for my wife. She is very distant and withdrawn, mostly due to my own behaviour over the last while. I hope that she wants to stay. I dont want her to leave by any stretch of the imagination. In fact I would probably say I need her now more than I ever have done. But I have been driving her away for such a long time I am now terriffied that its too late.
I can only try to give her space to heal herself and wait for her to open to me again.
Iain, I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I know WHAT you are going through, because as you know both Raygun and I suffer from the same thing. Bi-Polars are somewhat over-represented in the literary and musical professions, it comes with the territory.. It makes life even more difficult than it already is and we are always the last to know that we have gone off the rails because in our fucked up minds we think we are still holding it together when to the rest of the world we clearly are not. We love you both and hope you can work through this. Knowing that you are fucked up is the first step in coming to terms with it. Please stick together.
Robert, I can only say Thank You. Your kind words and your support mean the world to me.
I am trying to remain hopeful, not just for myself but for Donna as well.
Once again..... Thank you.
Tomorrow is the first appointment for the CBT. I am desparately hoping this will work. I need to get better, for myself most of all. After that I can work on everything else.
I have a long hard road ahead. But I am going to walk down it.
I'm sorry to hear that. I've been there too and didn't recognise it for years. I just thought that I was crap at my job and couldn't keep up with new technology. I came within a hair's breadth of resigning from a very good job. Thank God I didn't, I hate to think what state I'd be in now if I had. Finally I went to my doctor who put me on citalopram to which I (thankfully) had a remarkably positive response and it returned me to normal.
I went to counselling but I didn't find it helpful. Depression can be down to the environment in which case, being helped to cope with various situations can be a big hlep, but I consider mine to be a physical illness which can only be fixed with medication.
I sincerely hope that you find a solution to yours.
Just had my first CBT session. IN a lot of ways I enjoyed being able to talk to someone neutral about all the stuff that has been going on. It was also very informative, helpful and gave me some insights into myself that I had never realised. Not that there was a deep "Rosebud" moment or anything, but I saw a lot of what I was doing in a different way. In a way that I hope can be more positive, and less selfish.
The scariest thing for me was the issues I have had with my own anger and frustration. Getting trapped in a visious circle of anger, frustration and in a way running away from my problems, even blocking out my family and constantly turning things back to me. Not listening to their issues and only wanting to discuss my own. That is going to take time for me to change, but as has been said to me before, the first step in fixing a problem is realising there IS a problem.
For a long time I have felt that I was in what I can only describe a cyclonic storm. Everything seemed to be raging about me, with me standing in the eye of the storm looking at it. I thought in many ways I was in a calm place, that I was looking out from. What I didnt realise was that I was the storm. I was the one creating the tension or making things worse.
Its time to change that.
Just realised at 11.30 tonight that my day today hasnt dropped below a 6 on a scale of 0-10 that my therapist asked me to use. And that is for a whole day. No lows, or rather no disasterous lows. Hmmm well, I know not to read too much into that. I may have a crap day tomorrow. And I am still facing a long struggle. But damn it is nice not to have a really shit day.
That's great, sounds like getting it off your chest is having a positive effect.
